The Secret Career Tool You Might Be Ignoring: Self-Compassion.
You know what I wish I’d learned earlier in my career? That being hard on yourself isn’t a success strategy—it’s a roadblock in disguise.
I spent years trying to outperform self-doubt with sheer grit and hustle. I thought if I just pushed harder, expected more of myself, set the bar a little higher—then I’d feel good enough. Writing this I see how ridiculous a strategy this all was: it didn’t work. What I actually did was heap on criticism like it was a motivational tool. (It wasn’t.) And while I was busy being my own harshest critic, I somehow forgot something really basic: everyone struggles.
I didn’t see that at the time. I thought the people around me had it figured out, had some secret playbook I must’ve missed. Meanwhile, I was drowning second-guessing every move. It wasn’t until I looked outside myself—really started to pay attention to the stories, setbacks, and quiet doubts of others—that I realized: I wasn’t broken. I was just being really, really hard on myself. And it was just so necessary.
That realization cracked something open. And what crept in? Self-compassion.
Let me say this clearly: self-compassion is not fluffy or weak. It’s not about letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards. It’s about giving yourself the grace to be human so you can actually grow. And, you bet - you can grow while also being incredibly kind to yourself.
What Even Is Self-Compassion?
In plain speak, it’s treating yourself like you would a friend. You’d never say, “Wow, you blew that presentation. Maybe you’re not cut out for this.” (If you would, we need to have another chat.) You’d probably say, “That didn’t go the way you wanted, but it’s one moment. You’re doing your best, and you’ll learn from it.”
Self-compassion is made up of three things:
Self-kindness: Speaking to yourself with encouragement instead of judgment.
Common humanity: Remembering that struggle is universal—you’re not alone.
Mindfulness: Seeing your mistakes for what they are, reframing them and not letting them define you.
When I started to practice these—imperfectly, awkwardly at first—everything shifted. I started to bounce back quicker, take more risks, and feel way less shame about the days I didn’t have it all together.
Leading with heart starts with how you treat your own. Self-compassion isn’t weakness—it’s your secret strength
Why Does This Matter for Your Career?
If you’re like the women I coach (or, frankly, like I used to be), chances are you’ve got big dreams and a loud inner critic. You might feel stuck—not because you lack skill or ambition—but because every misstep or unknown triggers that “I’m not good enough” tape on an endless loop.
Here’s what self-compassion does for you instead:
It builds resilience. You stop spiraling after one rough meeting or email.
It fuels action. You take more risks when you’re not terrified of self-judgment.
It makes you a better leader. People trust leaders who model kindness—to others and to themselves.
3 Ways to Start Practicing Self-Compassion at Work
You don’t need a sabbatical or a mountaintop retreat, though nice if you can swing it. You just need a shift in how you respond to you.
1. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend.
Next time you mess up, pause and ask: “What would I say to someone I care about in this exact situation?” Then say that to yourself. (Out loud, if you need to hear it.)
2. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection.
If you only ever acknowledge the end goal, you’ll miss the hundred brave steps it took to get there. Start noticing the small wins—count them and celebrate them.
3. Reframe Setbacks.
Instead of “I failed,” try “I’m learning.” (Yes, even if the lesson stings.) Write about it, reflect on it, and give yourself the same space you’d give someone else to grow through it.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been waiting for the inner critic to quiet down before you take the leap—into that bold career move, that dream job, that leadership role—you might be waiting forever.
What you can do is bring self-compassion along for the ride. It’s not about going easy on yourself. It’s about being strong enough to be kind.
Start today. One small shift. One gentle word. One moment of grace.
Because the truth is, you don’t need to be perfect to be powerful.
